Dating the Right Person
Twenty years of working in the human services have led me to the realization that we often bring on our own suffering through the individuals we chose. Relationships play a significant role in almost every type of psychological condition that psychologists address. Think on these issues:
Do you still feel the same way or have the same issues that you did in previous relationships?
Do you often choose partners for romantic relationships or close friends who have harmed you in some way?
Do you ever ponder whether there are any “good ones” around?
Do you frequently experience emotional upheaval as a result of making bad dating decisions?
Many people can identify with these emotions. They feel deficient in their relationships in some way, which makes them wonder how they wind up in the positions they do. They ponder what they did wrong, why they “deserve” to be treated this way, and whether things will ever change.
Poor relational decisions are, in reality, self-inflicted, but they may be corrected with a little effort. The majority of people repeatedly choose unhealthy relationships without pausing to consider their choices. They frequently don’t think there might be a better method to choose partners and simply assume they are unfortunate.
But first, let’s look at some of the destructive choices people make. Why is a bad decision bad? Simply put, character. Whether or not someone will make a good partner depends on how they are made up. We are drawn to someone based on their appearance, status, intelligence, or accomplishments. But we see inside of them—their character. What a person would be like in a relationship depends on their personality. They won’t be able to be good in relationships if they are unable to perform specific tasks that call for moral character.
I’ve worked with a lot of people over the years, and I’ve noticed that relationship issues arise when one or both partners can’t handle the obligations of a relationship. This is typically a result of their emotional immaturity in particular domains. Unmet basic requirements lead to a lot of suffering, which is the end result.
In the remaining sections of this essay, we’ll examine four guidelines that can assist you in making moral decisions on whom to date, how to conduct yourself, and how to forge lasting connections.
Boundaries
Respecting each other’s personal limits is a crucial component of any partnership. A boundary is a line on your land that indicates where you stop and someone else starts. Respect is a key component of healthy partnerships, with one party holding the other’s “person” in high regard.
If you feel free to be in charge of your own person or if you feel invaded or controlled by the other person, that is a sign that someone respects your boundaries. Healthy people accept your want to be in charge of your own actions and what you choose to do or refrain from doing. When you choose not to do something, do they become unreasonable? Can they let you have your space and be apart from them? Do they feel they have the right to control you and do whatever they want with you because they perceive you as an extension of yourself in some way? Think about the following inquiries:
Do they exert pressure on you to spend an excessive amount of time with them, or are you free to refuse their requests and still be loved?
Do they exert pressure in other areas of a dating relationship, such as the physical one?
When you are pushed over your comfort zone, can they hear and respect your “no”?
Do they give you the freedom to hold beliefs, values, and preferences that are different from their own? Or do you think you need to “clone” what they want you to be in some way?
Do you feel valued for your decisions? Or do you believe that the connection is governed by only one “will”? Do they have “their way or the highway”?
Perfectionism
The way a partnership manages the flaws of each partner is a further crucial factor. We won’t be perfect or find the perfect person to adore in this world. How will each individual handle the flaws in their relationship?
Have you ever experienced the pressure to be “perfect” in a relationship? That kind of relationship’s consequences might be challenging at best and tragic at worst. You can feel that it’s unacceptable to be authentically you, with all of your flaws and defects, and to make mistakes.
Perfectionism can be seen in romantic relationships as the pressure to look or act a certain way in order to please your partner. The pressure to not disappoint them or make mistakes can be present in friendships. Being the “trophy” child in parent-child interactions can mean living up to excessive expectations and making a parent happy.
Equality
The ability for significant others to view you as an equal in the relationship is the final attribute we’ll look at. There is a dynamic in difficult partnerships known as “one up/one down.” In a partnership, one partner is always required to be the head of household and the “parent.” They communicate with each other mostly through “shoulds,” telling them what they should and shouldn’t do. This works well for parents and young children, but it doesn’t work in adult friendships, dating relationships, or marriages when one person isn’t respected.
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